Just Some Pre-Marital Musings

getting-married

image courtesy of The Knot

Less than one week from now, I’ll be attending my own wedding. Two days from now, I’ll be boarding a plane for said wedding destination. And that’s more information than my brain can absorb at the moment.

I don’t respond constructively to change. Never have. And this arguably is the most monumental change I’ve encountered thus far in my 25 years. Becoming not just someone’s partner, but their most significant relationship on earth—hello…pressure!

Now is a good time to state for the record that I’m a perfectionist. Like the most perfectionistic perfectionist you’ll have the discomfort of meeting.

I think too fast, and I think too much. I enforce impossible standards and crave the competition—the intoxicating rush—of pushing harder,  going further, reaching higher, being greater. I use independence and individuality as defense mechanisms against the indelible wounds that trust can leave behind.

Nobody’s gonna tame this free spirit or crush this spitfire persona. That’s been my attitude for longer than I care to admit. Not exactly the conditions you’d associate with marriage material.

But I’ve realized something: when I approach the altar next weekend, I’m changing more than my last name, street address or relationship status on Facebook. I’m casting aside over a decade’s worth of deluded—and because why pretend otherwise, isolating—thought patterns.

This union doesn’t just signify a circumstantial shift…but a heart shift. Or in my case, overhaul.

The guy I’ll soon call “husband” is about a hundred traits I don’t deserve. Patient. Gracious. Romantic. Sincere. Devoted. Understanding. And then there’s me. Compulsive. Rigid. Obstinate. Snarky. Unemotional. I’m a complicated wreck of a human, but he accepts those complications without hesitation.

My anxieties have driven other men away, and still he remains. My sarcasm would be a deal-breaker for the average person, and still he forgives. My stoicism can alienate even the thickest skins, and still he gazes past the facade. These barricades don’t dissuade him, so why this power struggle to relinquish them?

That’s the million dollar question—with a deceptively basic response.

I’ve never considered myself lovable. Which makes receiving love an awkward proposition. But only two options remain: force him to the brink with my neuroses…or invite him into those chaotic, imperfect spaces most people don’t know exist. And believe he’s prepared to take that plunge.

The decision is mine alone. So, from this moment onward, I’m choosing “door number two.” Because a wedding passes in just a blur. But a marriage—that’s for life. Might as well make it meaningful.

V-Day Gifts You’ll Truly Be Crate-ful For

For anyone, who hasn’t been keeping tabs on what month it is lately (ahem…looking at you, man-apes of the world!), Valentine’s Day is exactly T-120 hours away.

Now, ladies, we love our men.  Which basically means that we try our darnedest to tolerate their endearingly clueless behavior. 9 times out of 10, we succeed. But, when they won’t even flip the hooray-my-brain-actually-does-work switch in time for V-Day…well, we can’t overlook EVERYTHING!

Nope. Sometimes, a girl’s just gotta take control.

And relieve her cave-dweller significant other of all Valentine’s Day gift giving decisions.

So, instead of practicing our most believable “fake smiles” in preparation for yet another generic box of chocolates or roses, how ’bout we offer this male sub-species a crash course in LOVE 101?

That’s where Man Crates can help. This creative new company not only commiserates with our Woman vs. Blissfully Ignorant Man plight, it also has the solution — customized “date crates” filled with trimmings for a romantic evening, which will guarantee lifelong V-Day memories without any *certain somebodys* muddling things up.

And, on the off-chance any guys out there feel like planning a “Night of Amore” for yours truly, here’s what I expect inside a Man Crate…

(Just kidding, I’m taken. And my man is one exception to this “Romantically Challenged” stereotype. In fact, he’s more mushy-gushy than I am. WAY more. Like, why am I even writing this? I’m kinda set!)

But, seriously, I still do have expectations. So, my Man Crate better include the following:

1. Chick Flicks. We’re talking Legally Blonde. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. She’s the Man. Because nothing says “I care about indulging your ‘happily-ever-after’ fantasy” like suffering through a girly movie marathon.

2. Scented Lotion. Rub those vanilla bean-smelling hands together, fellas, and massage your lady to her heart’s content. Which means forever, by the way. She’ll never let you stop. But you’re cool with that, right? Right?!

3. Take-Out Menus. Whether it’s pad Thai, loaded nachos or extra-cheese pizza, sometimes a girl craves her favorite “cheat meal.” So, when her guy is all “Yeah, baby. You go right ahead and pig out,” THAT’s devotion.

4. Monopoly. It’s my fave game across-the-board (see what I did there?!). I’m also guaranteed to win. If this bruises your ego — oopsies! A real man accepts defeat. Just play Monopoly with me. Consider it quality time.

5.  A Wine Bottle.  The most memorable, intimate moments between me and my boyfriend involve downing moscato and tipsily inventing inside jokes. Many of which we still laugh about. Yup, wine makes everything better, people. #Truth.

So, in closing…

To my fellow females, I’ll leave you with this: Man Crates understands your struggle. They’ll transform a Romantically Challenged Neanderthal into a bona fide Prince Charming (plus, the crates only open with a crowbar, so…you know…at least he’ll be exerting a little effort!).

Answer the call. Grasp the lifeline. Struggle no more!

man crates

image courtesy of mancrates.comWha

*No males were intentionally belittled in the writing of this blog post. Advance apologies for that unfortunate possible side-effect.*